I know its been awhile since I posted anything on my blog. A lot has happened the past couple of weeks. As most of you know I have been enduring chemo treatments since August 15th. So far the treatment has been working, but the appointments are horrible. The chemo I am given is ABVD which is a chemotherapy regimen used in the first-line treatment of Hodgkin lymphoma. It consists of concurrent treatment with the chemotherapy drugs:
When I get into the room every other Friday (twice a month), the nurse inserts an IV in my arm. Unfortunately, my veins are either too small or not thick enough which makes the treatment painful. The 1st three medications (ABV), is given by injection through the IV. My body is so sensitive, that the vein which it is going through, my skin start receiving a rash. I become itchy, but it subsides after an hour.
The last medication which is given goes through a bag intravenously. At this point my vein can no longer take it and it starts to burn so bad that I am crying uncontrollably. The IV is changed into another vein and it is better. I am usually in this room for 6 hours and all I want to do is go home. Thank god Mark is with me by my side at all my appointments.
This last treatment was horrible. I became so sick, I was vomiting for 4 hours straight and finally passed out. It was so bad, I had to be wheeled downstairs to the front of the hospital by the nurse. These past 2 weeks my hand swelled up because of the IV. I can't even wear my engagement ring, my fingers are so big.
Another crazy thing has happened, which I was in extreme denial over... my hair has started to fall out. I know I keep saying it is just hair and it grows back, but being a woman and all, it is traumatizing. I finally decided to chop my hair off since it was so annoying to wash it every day. Large strands would just come out with each stroke. My drain would be clogged and hair would be all over my body. Now, with my hair short it is not too bad. I actually like it a lot. I am just dreading when I will need to shave it off. My brother volunteered to shave his head with me and I thought that was so sweet of him.
Speaking about my family, I feel like I have grown closer to them. I get phone calls more often, even with my newly extended family. I am so grateful of the large support system I have. I know its been hard for everyone, especially Mark. He is so patient and tends to my every need. I know its a lot for him to balance work and myself. He is the only one bringing in the "bacon" and it makes me feel hopeless. I have always worked and have taken care of myself. Now for the first time I have to let someone take care of me. It is hard, but I am learning to deal with it.
It just sucks that this is happening to me now. I am supposed to be feeling exciting for my upcoming engagement party. Instead, I am worried that I will not be up to par for it. The thought of dancing and entertaining seems so exhausting. But, then I say to myself, this will be a great thing. It will make me feel normal again, being surrounded by people and not a slave in my bedroom. So what if I get tired, I will just take it slow and sit. I can speak to my guest which will be a personal touch. I know I will be fine, especially for my wedding...
...Ah my wedding. I am hoping the cancer is gone by then and no radiation is needed. I finish treatment on January 13th. I have 7 months to get myself ready, mentally and physically. The only thing that will suck is my hair will be short so a wig is needed. I am also hoping I do not have any scaring on my arms from the IV. So far I have two which are not that noticeable now, but I am hoping more do not follow.
This fight I am enduring has its ups and downs, but you know what it could be worse. I know I am doing so well, from my blood counts normalizing, to the lymph nodes which are no longer noticeable by touch on my neck. It is a struggle, but I think of it as a bad case of the stomach flu.
I will end this blog with a message a dear friend told me which has stuck in my mind. With each strand of my "hair leaving, the cancer is going with it. It is a sign of starting over."
About Me
- Michelle
- I have a past... just like anyone else. Don't judge me for the things I have done and the mistakes I have made. Because my past and my mistakes have brought me this far and has made me the person that I am today. I am perfectly content with myself. The more mistakes the more you learn... The more you're hurt the stronger you get... it's called living.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
1,2,3...
Four. Stage 4 Classic Hodgkin's Lymphoma is the complete and final diagnosis. That number seems scary, I know, but once again I didn't cry or get shaken up. It is not a death sentence like the other cancers in the world. I have a great cure rate, 85-95% are the statistics. My oncologist informed me on everything from treatments to other tests I will need to take. I will probably start chemo some time in August. However, I have to first speak to my gynecologist and seek his approval if I need to freeze my eggs, or if I will be completely fertile after treatment. My oncologist doesn't think I will have an issue, but since I also have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome, I should get a second opinion.
August 25th, will probably be the first day I will be hooked up to a chemo drip... ABVD they call it. Three to four hours I will have this poison running through my veins killing everything in sight. I will be sick that day and probably the next, but I was told after that I will be able to do my normal routine, like food shopping and laundry. I want to try and schedule my appointments for Thursdays, where Fridays I will work from home and have the weekend to recuperate. I cannot take a leave of absence like I did before. I need to save for my wedding, which cancer will not stop me from having. Chemo will be once a week, every two weeks for six months. I will be completed with treatment hopefully by March, which will be months before the happiest day of my life.
I will start to lose my hair 1-2 weeks after my first treatment. I may be completely bald, or I may lose patches my oncologist said. He will give me a prescription for a wig, which will be covered by my insurance company. I will also have to be on antibiotics since I will have an extremely low white blood cell counts and will be highly accessible to infections. My plan in order to not to get sick will be taking the express bus to work instead of the nasty train, and wearing a surgical mask and gloves at the workplace. I deal with a lot of paper which is being transported from once place to another. The messengers who deliver these packages are nasty and who knows what they carry. Plus, there are some people who I work with that are not the most hygienic.
I do not want my cancer to stop me from being normal. I was told I have the"best" cancer to get, and will be fine in six months. I know I will have my good days and my bad days, but I will get through it. This will make me a stronger person and allow me to open up my eyes to the little things in life. I will try not wearing a wig and will wrap my head with a scarf. It is going to be too hot to wear something heavy like a fake hair on my head in the summer. I will probably be pre-menopausal, so I want to be as comfortable as possible.
It is so surreal I am going through this at 28 years old. I did write in my first blog I wanted something exciting to happen in my life, well I guess I got what I wished for.
August 25th, will probably be the first day I will be hooked up to a chemo drip... ABVD they call it. Three to four hours I will have this poison running through my veins killing everything in sight. I will be sick that day and probably the next, but I was told after that I will be able to do my normal routine, like food shopping and laundry. I want to try and schedule my appointments for Thursdays, where Fridays I will work from home and have the weekend to recuperate. I cannot take a leave of absence like I did before. I need to save for my wedding, which cancer will not stop me from having. Chemo will be once a week, every two weeks for six months. I will be completed with treatment hopefully by March, which will be months before the happiest day of my life.
I will start to lose my hair 1-2 weeks after my first treatment. I may be completely bald, or I may lose patches my oncologist said. He will give me a prescription for a wig, which will be covered by my insurance company. I will also have to be on antibiotics since I will have an extremely low white blood cell counts and will be highly accessible to infections. My plan in order to not to get sick will be taking the express bus to work instead of the nasty train, and wearing a surgical mask and gloves at the workplace. I deal with a lot of paper which is being transported from once place to another. The messengers who deliver these packages are nasty and who knows what they carry. Plus, there are some people who I work with that are not the most hygienic.
I do not want my cancer to stop me from being normal. I was told I have the"best" cancer to get, and will be fine in six months. I know I will have my good days and my bad days, but I will get through it. This will make me a stronger person and allow me to open up my eyes to the little things in life. I will try not wearing a wig and will wrap my head with a scarf. It is going to be too hot to wear something heavy like a fake hair on my head in the summer. I will probably be pre-menopausal, so I want to be as comfortable as possible.
It is so surreal I am going through this at 28 years old. I did write in my first blog I wanted something exciting to happen in my life, well I guess I got what I wished for.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Well we have a diagnosis after 4 months....
... four months of blood test, four months of many doctors feeling here, feeling there. A poke, a jab, a pinch, a pill. All these things which should have lasted for days, lasted for months. A small cut of the neck, and a removal of a lymph node which has been in the same spot for 2 years, gave the answer to all the questions.
CANCER.
Classic Hodgkin's Lymphoma was the diagnosis. I went into the bathroom at worked and looked at myself in the mirror when the doctor was talking to me. I didn't cry, I didn't even stop and stare in space. I knew I had it when everyone was in denial. I actually felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. No more questions of what is wrong with me. I finally am able to think about making myself better and beating whatever it was. After the call, I went into the kitchen at work and ate my lunch like a regular day.
The doctor appointment is next Thursday with my oncologist. He will let me know what the next steps are and how to deal with it. I will have to get a PET scan and a bone marrow test to find out what stage I am in, then I will know if I need chemo, radiation, chemo/radiation, or chemo/stem cell. I will also need to take my eggs and Mark's sperm to freeze embryos. This is to allow me to have babies after treatment and when I'm well. I don't see myself have treatment though for another month.
I still can't believe I am a cancer patient. Is something wrong with me that I can't stop saying it. I know it's going to be an emotional roller coaster, but I have a large support system and the doctor said I have nothing to worry about. Yes I will be tired, yes I will be sore and weak, and yes I will lose my hair. But after all of these meaingnless things, I will be better and live a long and happy life. I will have my wedding, have my babies and enjoy life. So don't be sad for me. Instead support me and know that I am okay with all of this and its just another bump in the road (roe-add) LOL.... Tommy Boy moment.
CANCER.
Classic Hodgkin's Lymphoma was the diagnosis. I went into the bathroom at worked and looked at myself in the mirror when the doctor was talking to me. I didn't cry, I didn't even stop and stare in space. I knew I had it when everyone was in denial. I actually felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. No more questions of what is wrong with me. I finally am able to think about making myself better and beating whatever it was. After the call, I went into the kitchen at work and ate my lunch like a regular day.
The doctor appointment is next Thursday with my oncologist. He will let me know what the next steps are and how to deal with it. I will have to get a PET scan and a bone marrow test to find out what stage I am in, then I will know if I need chemo, radiation, chemo/radiation, or chemo/stem cell. I will also need to take my eggs and Mark's sperm to freeze embryos. This is to allow me to have babies after treatment and when I'm well. I don't see myself have treatment though for another month.
I still can't believe I am a cancer patient. Is something wrong with me that I can't stop saying it. I know it's going to be an emotional roller coaster, but I have a large support system and the doctor said I have nothing to worry about. Yes I will be tired, yes I will be sore and weak, and yes I will lose my hair. But after all of these meaingnless things, I will be better and live a long and happy life. I will have my wedding, have my babies and enjoy life. So don't be sad for me. Instead support me and know that I am okay with all of this and its just another bump in the road (roe-add) LOL.... Tommy Boy moment.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The starting of the fight might have just begun.
Life was good. Normalcy was back in my life. I went back to work, started hanging out with my friends and planning my wedding. I really thought everything was behind me and I can move on with my life. Then February came again. The eruption of back pain started, and this time in full force. A new doctor was introduced and the poking/prodding started all over. A needle aspiration in a swollen lymph node of my neck may have given me a conclusion to this chapter of my diagnosis. Classical Hodgkin's Lymphoma I was told, which almost put me in cardiac arrest.
I was just about to lay on a hospital bed because of the back pain, when I got the call from the ENT doctor from Cornell/Presbyterian. "The pathologist found A-typical cells of Classical Hodgkin's Lymphoma, but we need to have that biopsy done to make a 100% diagnosis." My stomach dropped and my heart was racing. The nurse came and started plugging me in to all these machines. "Why does she need to be on a monitor," my friend asked. The nurse replied my heart rate is through the roof as well as my blood pressure. Once I was plugged in, the monitor began beeping. I turned around and saw bright green numbers reading 136. Four nurses were watching the monitor and said I need to calm down because I am tacking. Great, now I'm going to have a damn heart attack because of all this. I just closed my eyes, cleared my head and thought about sandy beaches. I had to control myself with the news I just received.
14 months will come in a flash. All I am thinking about is if this is Lymphoma, I will be a bald bride. My beautiful lace dress draping against the floor. The wind blowing petals off my flowers, and there is me... the hot sun beating against my bald head. I know I would be crying down the aisle not because of my looks, but because I have been through the treatment which I fought and won the battle. I am marrying the man of my dreams and there is nothing which can stop our love.
It's just the babies... which I will probably never have. To feel life inside of me growing and kicking. Having the uncontrollable love and desire for the the one thing which makes me a woman. I know there is adoption and I have always been for it, but it is not the same. Don't take me wrong, I will love and cherish my child however it is brought to me, but the invisible umbilical cord from mother to child will never be there. I was told early on when all this was happening, I could freeze my eggs, but my insurance will not cover it. Plus who knows if my eggs are even good. Between my poly cystic ovary syndrome, and now possibly the big C, they may be sunny side up and runny. Do I spend the money on freezing and the hope of carrying a baby, or adoption?
I'm too young for this shit. At least the ENT doctor told me it is a very treatable cancer and I have nothing to worry about. Just the thought of having chemo or radiation is mind boggling. I blame myself for this. When I was younger and I was upset at things I used to wish I had cancer and just die. I said it too much and now the Cancer is coming true. But I won't die... because I have too much to live for and I haven't accomplished pissing off the world.
I was just about to lay on a hospital bed because of the back pain, when I got the call from the ENT doctor from Cornell/Presbyterian. "The pathologist found A-typical cells of Classical Hodgkin's Lymphoma, but we need to have that biopsy done to make a 100% diagnosis." My stomach dropped and my heart was racing. The nurse came and started plugging me in to all these machines. "Why does she need to be on a monitor," my friend asked. The nurse replied my heart rate is through the roof as well as my blood pressure. Once I was plugged in, the monitor began beeping. I turned around and saw bright green numbers reading 136. Four nurses were watching the monitor and said I need to calm down because I am tacking. Great, now I'm going to have a damn heart attack because of all this. I just closed my eyes, cleared my head and thought about sandy beaches. I had to control myself with the news I just received.
14 months will come in a flash. All I am thinking about is if this is Lymphoma, I will be a bald bride. My beautiful lace dress draping against the floor. The wind blowing petals off my flowers, and there is me... the hot sun beating against my bald head. I know I would be crying down the aisle not because of my looks, but because I have been through the treatment which I fought and won the battle. I am marrying the man of my dreams and there is nothing which can stop our love.
It's just the babies... which I will probably never have. To feel life inside of me growing and kicking. Having the uncontrollable love and desire for the the one thing which makes me a woman. I know there is adoption and I have always been for it, but it is not the same. Don't take me wrong, I will love and cherish my child however it is brought to me, but the invisible umbilical cord from mother to child will never be there. I was told early on when all this was happening, I could freeze my eggs, but my insurance will not cover it. Plus who knows if my eggs are even good. Between my poly cystic ovary syndrome, and now possibly the big C, they may be sunny side up and runny. Do I spend the money on freezing and the hope of carrying a baby, or adoption?
I'm too young for this shit. At least the ENT doctor told me it is a very treatable cancer and I have nothing to worry about. Just the thought of having chemo or radiation is mind boggling. I blame myself for this. When I was younger and I was upset at things I used to wish I had cancer and just die. I said it too much and now the Cancer is coming true. But I won't die... because I have too much to live for and I haven't accomplished pissing off the world.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A step closer
After three trains, a missed stop, 12 blocks of walking, and I really had to pee, I may have found the answer I have been looking for. I was told by my infectious disease doctor that my blood test came back positive for Epstein Barr Virus.
Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV) is a common human virus that causes infectious mononucleosis and may play a role in the emergence of two rare forms of cancer: Burkitt's lymphoma, and nasopharyngeal carcinoma.
Some doctors and medical textbooks describe and diagnose EBV as infectious mononucleosis and vise-versa. Although the symptoms of infectious mononucleosis usually resolve in one or two months, the EBV remains dormant in cells in the throat and blood for the rest of the person's life. Periodically, the virus can be reactivate and can be found in the saliva of infected persons. This reactivation usually occurs without symptoms of illness. EBV also establishes a lifelong dormant infection in some cells of the body's immune system.
I was informed by the infectious disease doctor, to still consult with the lymphoma specialist from Cornell to 100% rule out any type of lymphoma. If lymphoma is off the table, then this whole time I was suffering from EBV.
It make sense since I had mono when I was 16 and my spleen was enlarged. If it is EBV it will take about 6 months for the virus to take its course, and a year for my spleen, liver and lymph nodes to go back to its natural size.
You think they would have tested this in the beginning when I first gave my history to the 15+ doctors and 60+ vials of blood in the past 3 months. Yes 60+ vials of blood. No wonder why I am anemic right?!
Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV) is a common human virus that causes infectious mononucleosis and may play a role in the emergence of two rare forms of cancer: Burkitt's lymphoma, and nasopharyngeal carcinoma.
Some doctors and medical textbooks describe and diagnose EBV as infectious mononucleosis and vise-versa. Although the symptoms of infectious mononucleosis usually resolve in one or two months, the EBV remains dormant in cells in the throat and blood for the rest of the person's life. Periodically, the virus can be reactivate and can be found in the saliva of infected persons. This reactivation usually occurs without symptoms of illness. EBV also establishes a lifelong dormant infection in some cells of the body's immune system.
I was informed by the infectious disease doctor, to still consult with the lymphoma specialist from Cornell to 100% rule out any type of lymphoma. If lymphoma is off the table, then this whole time I was suffering from EBV.
It make sense since I had mono when I was 16 and my spleen was enlarged. If it is EBV it will take about 6 months for the virus to take its course, and a year for my spleen, liver and lymph nodes to go back to its natural size.
You think they would have tested this in the beginning when I first gave my history to the 15+ doctors and 60+ vials of blood in the past 3 months. Yes 60+ vials of blood. No wonder why I am anemic right?!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Question mark
1. Primary Doctor - Thought I had Celiac disease, but test came back negative.
2. Oncologist - Has no idea what is wrong with me and testing me for everything under the sun.
3. Gastrologist - Had no input. Just stuck his finger up my rectum and made an appointment for my colonoscopy.
4. Rheumatologist - Stated, "Rheumatologist are the last resort when doctor's are unsure of a diagnosis. I have seen patients who are not a text book case like 'myself' and they will never be diagnosed. It was usually just a bad infection and went away on it's own." Results came back today and I am clear of any rheumatoid issues. I do have an antibody for Lupus, but people can carry it and could be a red-herring. My oncologist will be consulting with my rheumatologist and will get back to me shortly.
5. Biopsy - Took a month for the report to tell me negative for Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, but inconclusive for the other 40 types.
6. Colonoscopy - Grossly normal, as stated on the report.
7. Endoscopy - Clear
8. Over 20 vials of blood within the last 2 1/2 months- Currently my white blood cells at 20,000, elevated red blood cells, platelets, ESR (E. Sedimatation Rate), CRP (c-reactive protein at 88.9, normal is 4.9), LVH (Lactate dehydrogenase) and Alk phosphatase (ALK). These test confirm massive inflammation and because of this I am anemic.
Next up, infectious disease doctors will consult with me and see if I have Lyme disease, cat scratch fever and any other crazy illnesses the world has to offer. If those test are negative, I will need a bone marrow test to see if lymphoma is back on the list. If that is negative, another biopsy of my lymph node will be done. This time it will mean surgery where one will be taking out and looked at thoroughly. I would be seeing the guru of lymphoma at Cornell for his expertize. After that I am not sure what is going to happen.
I thought I would have answers already. I can't stand being poked and prodded any longer. It is driving me insane and making me highly depressed. My twelve weeks are almost up and I need to go back to work. No work, no money, no money, no house, no house, no marriage, no marriage, no kids. Sometimes I think if I was to get hit by a car and die, maybe a autopsy would give my family and loved ones some answers. You can't get more thorough than that.
If they can't find anything that's great I guess. But I spent all this time being a damn Guinea pig and worrying. Why are my CBCs coming back high? Why are my lymph nodes swollen to the size of ping pong balls? There has to be a reason, it just can't be a reactive lymph node.
I feel like being destructive. I wish I still did drugs so I can just numb myself from all this insanity.
2. Oncologist - Has no idea what is wrong with me and testing me for everything under the sun.
3. Gastrologist - Had no input. Just stuck his finger up my rectum and made an appointment for my colonoscopy.
4. Rheumatologist - Stated, "Rheumatologist are the last resort when doctor's are unsure of a diagnosis. I have seen patients who are not a text book case like 'myself' and they will never be diagnosed. It was usually just a bad infection and went away on it's own." Results came back today and I am clear of any rheumatoid issues. I do have an antibody for Lupus, but people can carry it and could be a red-herring. My oncologist will be consulting with my rheumatologist and will get back to me shortly.
5. Biopsy - Took a month for the report to tell me negative for Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, but inconclusive for the other 40 types.
6. Colonoscopy - Grossly normal, as stated on the report.
7. Endoscopy - Clear
8. Over 20 vials of blood within the last 2 1/2 months- Currently my white blood cells at 20,000, elevated red blood cells, platelets, ESR (E. Sedimatation Rate), CRP (c-reactive protein at 88.9, normal is 4.9), LVH (Lactate dehydrogenase) and Alk phosphatase (ALK). These test confirm massive inflammation and because of this I am anemic.
Next up, infectious disease doctors will consult with me and see if I have Lyme disease, cat scratch fever and any other crazy illnesses the world has to offer. If those test are negative, I will need a bone marrow test to see if lymphoma is back on the list. If that is negative, another biopsy of my lymph node will be done. This time it will mean surgery where one will be taking out and looked at thoroughly. I would be seeing the guru of lymphoma at Cornell for his expertize. After that I am not sure what is going to happen.
I thought I would have answers already. I can't stand being poked and prodded any longer. It is driving me insane and making me highly depressed. My twelve weeks are almost up and I need to go back to work. No work, no money, no money, no house, no house, no marriage, no marriage, no kids. Sometimes I think if I was to get hit by a car and die, maybe a autopsy would give my family and loved ones some answers. You can't get more thorough than that.
If they can't find anything that's great I guess. But I spent all this time being a damn Guinea pig and worrying. Why are my CBCs coming back high? Why are my lymph nodes swollen to the size of ping pong balls? There has to be a reason, it just can't be a reactive lymph node.
I feel like being destructive. I wish I still did drugs so I can just numb myself from all this insanity.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Round 2
I woke up yesterday morning at 4am, stumbling to the refrigerator. I turned on the light, squinted my eyes and reached for a can of ginger ale and a bottle of magnesium cultrate. I turned on the television to find more breaking news about the Japan disaster and watched it on low so I wouldn't wake Mark. I poured both drinks into a large cup and sipped it for a half an hour.This was the last step of the cleansing process of my colonoscopy which I was having in 4 hours. I was scared not for the procedure, but what if I would not wake up from the anesthesia.
I walked through those glass doors at 8:30am and was greeted by an old Jewish woman. She advised me to sign in on the brown clipboard and take a seat. I sat there with my mother for about 10 minutes and then my name was called. I had to sign a bunch of papers for the hospital and doctor, and paid a $250.00 co-pay for the procedure. I was told to follow this African-American nurse, who lead me to the white swinging doors. My heart was racing and I asked to go to the bathroom for a moment. I looked at myself in the mirror and spoke to myself like I was crazy. I wished that nothing would go wrong and that the doctor would not sneeze while doing the procedure. I was not prepared for surgery if anything went wrong and just wanted the hour to fly by.
I was brought to a locker room and was told to take off all my clothes, except for my bra. I was given a hospital gown and was told to put all my things in the plastic hospital bag. Once I was done, I put all my things into the locker, closed it, and walked out the door.
I was greeted by another nurse and was told I should have not went to the bathroom since I needed to give urine. She was upset with the other nurse and apologized for the mistake. She gave me a sanitized cup and requested to try and squeeze out at much out as possible. I went back to the bathroom, took a deep breath, and shook my head. So far, not so good.
Again, I walked out of the bathroom and was lead to a gurney. A young Asian woman came over who asked me questions with her broken English. What medications was I allergic to? Have I had any surgeries? Do I currently take any medications? As these questions were being thrown at me, I was given an IV in my arm which would assist the distribution of the anesthesia. Another person came over to me, this time a young Spanish man who smiled at me. I felt comfort from him and said I am a nervous wreck. He said, "Don't worry, you are having a makeover right now. The attic and the basement." I laughed while he asked if I have any tattoos. I told him four and he said, "come on that is more scary than this."
He wheeled me to a room which had all these computers and a smell of antibacterial soap. Two people were already in there with masks on and latex gloves. They introduced themselves as the anesthesiologist and a nurse who was going to assist my gastrologist for the procedure. I told them I was petrified and the anesthesiologist said he just had to calm down another woman that was in the room before me. I laughed and a female nurse walked into the room. She helped the other two gentlemen in prepping the room for the doctor. She looked at me and said I reminded her of a character from the soap opera General Hospital, Robin. I told her that was the second time I was told that and smiled.
My doctor walked into the room and explained to me he would be performing a colonoscopy and endoscopy. He would be looking into my small intestine as well as my colon. This means a tube with a camera will be inserted through my mouth and down my esophagus . I was told to turn on my left side and relax. The anesthesiologist started injecting me with this white liquid that looked like Kaopectate. Before I had the chance to say, "Is that the aneste..." I was out like a light.
When I woke up, the first thing I did was look up behind me at the screen to check my vitals. I know I am a paranoid freak. I then looked around and saw I was in the recovery room with other patients around me. A female nurse, around my age, came over to me and asked how I was doing. I told her okay and she gave me some apple juice. My mother came in the room and smiled. I told her I was fine to calm her nerves. The nurse came back over and explained to us that everything looked good with the colonoscopy and the endoscopy. I am clean and there was no polyps which had to be removed. There was also no sign of Celiac disease and will need to follow up in two weeks.
A sign of relief and despair came over my body all at once. Relief that the procedure was a success, but despair because once again no answers. I was sure I had celiac disease based on all I have read.
The IV was taken out of my arm and the heart monitor pads were removed. The procedure and recovery took all of an hour and a half and I was told I may go home. I got up and felt like I had a couple of shots of liquor and felt drunk... felt pretty good actually. My mother was laughing at me because I was giggling like an idiot and would stop talking. I went back to the locker room and stumbled to put my clothes on. We walked back out the glass doors, and I felt the cool breeze and the warm sun on my face. As my mother and I walked to the car, I thought to myself, round three rheumatoid specialist. Now to be tested for Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I walked through those glass doors at 8:30am and was greeted by an old Jewish woman. She advised me to sign in on the brown clipboard and take a seat. I sat there with my mother for about 10 minutes and then my name was called. I had to sign a bunch of papers for the hospital and doctor, and paid a $250.00 co-pay for the procedure. I was told to follow this African-American nurse, who lead me to the white swinging doors. My heart was racing and I asked to go to the bathroom for a moment. I looked at myself in the mirror and spoke to myself like I was crazy. I wished that nothing would go wrong and that the doctor would not sneeze while doing the procedure. I was not prepared for surgery if anything went wrong and just wanted the hour to fly by.
I was brought to a locker room and was told to take off all my clothes, except for my bra. I was given a hospital gown and was told to put all my things in the plastic hospital bag. Once I was done, I put all my things into the locker, closed it, and walked out the door.
I was greeted by another nurse and was told I should have not went to the bathroom since I needed to give urine. She was upset with the other nurse and apologized for the mistake. She gave me a sanitized cup and requested to try and squeeze out at much out as possible. I went back to the bathroom, took a deep breath, and shook my head. So far, not so good.
Again, I walked out of the bathroom and was lead to a gurney. A young Asian woman came over who asked me questions with her broken English. What medications was I allergic to? Have I had any surgeries? Do I currently take any medications? As these questions were being thrown at me, I was given an IV in my arm which would assist the distribution of the anesthesia. Another person came over to me, this time a young Spanish man who smiled at me. I felt comfort from him and said I am a nervous wreck. He said, "Don't worry, you are having a makeover right now. The attic and the basement." I laughed while he asked if I have any tattoos. I told him four and he said, "come on that is more scary than this."
He wheeled me to a room which had all these computers and a smell of antibacterial soap. Two people were already in there with masks on and latex gloves. They introduced themselves as the anesthesiologist and a nurse who was going to assist my gastrologist for the procedure. I told them I was petrified and the anesthesiologist said he just had to calm down another woman that was in the room before me. I laughed and a female nurse walked into the room. She helped the other two gentlemen in prepping the room for the doctor. She looked at me and said I reminded her of a character from the soap opera General Hospital, Robin. I told her that was the second time I was told that and smiled.
My doctor walked into the room and explained to me he would be performing a colonoscopy and endoscopy. He would be looking into my small intestine as well as my colon. This means a tube with a camera will be inserted through my mouth and down my esophagus . I was told to turn on my left side and relax. The anesthesiologist started injecting me with this white liquid that looked like Kaopectate. Before I had the chance to say, "Is that the aneste..." I was out like a light.
When I woke up, the first thing I did was look up behind me at the screen to check my vitals. I know I am a paranoid freak. I then looked around and saw I was in the recovery room with other patients around me. A female nurse, around my age, came over to me and asked how I was doing. I told her okay and she gave me some apple juice. My mother came in the room and smiled. I told her I was fine to calm her nerves. The nurse came back over and explained to us that everything looked good with the colonoscopy and the endoscopy. I am clean and there was no polyps which had to be removed. There was also no sign of Celiac disease and will need to follow up in two weeks.
A sign of relief and despair came over my body all at once. Relief that the procedure was a success, but despair because once again no answers. I was sure I had celiac disease based on all I have read.
The IV was taken out of my arm and the heart monitor pads were removed. The procedure and recovery took all of an hour and a half and I was told I may go home. I got up and felt like I had a couple of shots of liquor and felt drunk... felt pretty good actually. My mother was laughing at me because I was giggling like an idiot and would stop talking. I went back to the locker room and stumbled to put my clothes on. We walked back out the glass doors, and I felt the cool breeze and the warm sun on my face. As my mother and I walked to the car, I thought to myself, round three rheumatoid specialist. Now to be tested for Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Inconclusive
Getting dressed today, I decided to cover my hair. Last time I went to the Cancer Center I felt very uncomfortable being around women who lost theirs while fighting the battle. Some of them stared at me with those empty eyes and my stomach fell to the floor. This time I was prepared. I put my hair up and covered it with my chocolate crotchet beanie. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, would I have to do this for months or even a year, minus the ponytail which is hiding? Mark came into the room and said I looked cute. I put a smile on my face, but still had the thought in the back of my mind.
I walked into the Cancer Center and looked around. I was praying this is the last time I would ever have to walk into this place. To the right of me was chemotherapy, to the left of me was the door to the outside. Which way would this meeting go? What path will I be taking?
The hospital bracelet with my information was put on my wrist and I received the restaurant looking buzzer. When the buzzer blinked its red lights and started vibrating, I walked into the other waiting room and had my blood taken. My name was called 15 minutes later and I went into the sunflower colored waiting room where the doctor informed me of my biopsy results.
- The markers are still inconclusive, which means it is not lymphoma for now.
- The blood results from the last four vials which were taken on 2/22, came up positive for a rheumatoid conditions. Could be Lupus.
- My CBCs came back from the blood work which was just taken, and my white blood cells are back up to 19,000. This could possibly be due to the throat and ear infection I am fighting now.
The oncologist requested I see a rheumatoid specialist before my next appointment with him. The specialist informed my oncologist if the biopsy came back, and there was no lymphoma, he would like to see me. I honestly do not want to do anything until I have my colonoscopy done, which is next Thursday. (It had to be rescheduled due to my fever.) My family doctor thinks all my answers will come from that procedure, and the endoscopy as well.
I was also asked by my oncologist that he would like me to see another doctor, but at Cornell in Manhattan this time. This doctor is a lymphoma specialist who will try and provide me more information. I was told that I will probably need to get another biopsy done; this time a whole lymphnode will probably be taken from my body. The specimen they took from me the first time may have not been a good candidate to test for Lymphoma. The oncologist told me a story where he had a patient who did three biopsies, where the third one taken showed up positive for lymphoma.
Great, I will be a guinea pig for the next couple of weeks. More poking and prodding, when is this going to end.
I walked into the Cancer Center and looked around. I was praying this is the last time I would ever have to walk into this place. To the right of me was chemotherapy, to the left of me was the door to the outside. Which way would this meeting go? What path will I be taking?
The hospital bracelet with my information was put on my wrist and I received the restaurant looking buzzer. When the buzzer blinked its red lights and started vibrating, I walked into the other waiting room and had my blood taken. My name was called 15 minutes later and I went into the sunflower colored waiting room where the doctor informed me of my biopsy results.
- The markers are still inconclusive, which means it is not lymphoma for now.
- The blood results from the last four vials which were taken on 2/22, came up positive for a rheumatoid conditions. Could be Lupus.
- My CBCs came back from the blood work which was just taken, and my white blood cells are back up to 19,000. This could possibly be due to the throat and ear infection I am fighting now.
The oncologist requested I see a rheumatoid specialist before my next appointment with him. The specialist informed my oncologist if the biopsy came back, and there was no lymphoma, he would like to see me. I honestly do not want to do anything until I have my colonoscopy done, which is next Thursday. (It had to be rescheduled due to my fever.) My family doctor thinks all my answers will come from that procedure, and the endoscopy as well.
I was also asked by my oncologist that he would like me to see another doctor, but at Cornell in Manhattan this time. This doctor is a lymphoma specialist who will try and provide me more information. I was told that I will probably need to get another biopsy done; this time a whole lymphnode will probably be taken from my body. The specimen they took from me the first time may have not been a good candidate to test for Lymphoma. The oncologist told me a story where he had a patient who did three biopsies, where the third one taken showed up positive for lymphoma.
Great, I will be a guinea pig for the next couple of weeks. More poking and prodding, when is this going to end.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Three contenders
So far I have been crying for the past hour. I just got off the phone with my oncologist. My appointment was cancelled today since my biopsy results are still not in yet. He said they are doing a molecular procedure which takes about a week or two. However, my blood work came back where they tested for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and thyroid disease. I tested positive for ANA and RNP which is based on lupus (RNP can also be shown for various other inflammatory diseases). In addition, I also tested positive for rheumatoid arthritis as well. The doctor just spoke to a rheumatoid arthritis specialist who stated it looks more of a lupus diagnosis, however we have to compare the findings from the biopsy.
This all means I now have three contenders to fight. Is it Lymphoma, Lupus or Rheumatoid arthritis?
I asked the doctor how is it possible I can allegedly have lupus if it does not run in my family. He said it could be activated by medication and stress. Well I looked into this and it seems the spirolactone I was taking for my acne and poly cystic ovary syndrome could have played a part in this. This medication is also given to people with high blood pressure. Websites show this type of medication falls into a drug related symptom. And we all know how stressful my job is.
The doctor stated I should have some answers by next Thursday. I am praying I will know by then what the hell my body is fighting.
It seems everytime I have a new procedure done, there are new finding of something else. I am hoping there is nothing shown during my colonscopy on Tuesday.
I spoke to my family doctor to keep her in the loop. She said I am better off having lupus than lymphoma. She said, "let them run the test they need and whatever the outcome is we will treat and fight it together."
I just want to know what I am fighting already and live a normal life.
This all means I now have three contenders to fight. Is it Lymphoma, Lupus or Rheumatoid arthritis?
I asked the doctor how is it possible I can allegedly have lupus if it does not run in my family. He said it could be activated by medication and stress. Well I looked into this and it seems the spirolactone I was taking for my acne and poly cystic ovary syndrome could have played a part in this. This medication is also given to people with high blood pressure. Websites show this type of medication falls into a drug related symptom. And we all know how stressful my job is.
The doctor stated I should have some answers by next Thursday. I am praying I will know by then what the hell my body is fighting.
It seems everytime I have a new procedure done, there are new finding of something else. I am hoping there is nothing shown during my colonscopy on Tuesday.
I spoke to my family doctor to keep her in the loop. She said I am better off having lupus than lymphoma. She said, "let them run the test they need and whatever the outcome is we will treat and fight it together."
I just want to know what I am fighting already and live a normal life.
Monday, February 28, 2011
He's back!!!
Facebook sucks sometimes. My biological father has found out through Facebook that I may have cancer. I so did not want him to know. I haven't spoken to my father in 3 years and want nothing to do with him. He and I have a shitty history that I think I will share and finally let it out. I stated that this blog is a release for my future, past and present.
I was born by a 19 year old girl and a 26 year old man. They were not ready for a child and got married because of me. Bad idea for my mother who was miserable for 14 years of her life.
At 3 years old my father who would smoke pot, left me alone in the kitchen. I climbed on the kitchen table, opened up a bottle of pills and took some. My stomach had to be pumped, but I was okay.
At 4 or 5, I was helping my mother clean the house and dusted $100.00 of coke off the bedroom end table in my parents room. Got spanked because of it by my father.
At the same time of the coke incident, I remember my father driving me to brownstone looking house and meeting with people. Later on in life I found out he was buying pot with his little girl in the car.
After his heart attack, he decided he was going to stop drugs. He would take me to his meetings on Coney Island Avenue where I would see people who are having withdrawals from heroin and other narcotics.
He would go on to continue smoking pot and used it as a "bonding experience" with me when I was a teenager.
At 14, he snapped and almost killed my mother in the car when she asked for a divorce. When he returned to the house, he flipped over furniture and almost threw a chair at my grandmother. I tried to call 911 and he ripped the phone out of the wall. I grabbed a knife and was going to stab him if I had to, to protect my brother, sister and grandmother who were standing behind me. He left finally and my mother returned to cops in the house.
He was homeless for awhile and was stalking our family. An order of protection was issued.
He decided to call child services on my mother, but didn't win.
He was institutionalized and was diagnosed as a manic depressive and bipolar. He is also a pathological liar.
He has had 3 wives that I know of. Who knows if there are any other children he has running around.
Also, he is a deadbeat dad. Only paid child support when he had a job on the books.
There is always a letter to apologize for the wrong he's done. Never can he face up to it as a man.
There is so much more, but I can go on forever. He was not a nice father and do not want him around while I am going through this. He is stressful to be around and do not want to hear the lies anymore. He has been telling my sister and my aunt he is ready to kill himself because he has nothing to live for. He has been saying this for years. Just do it already, oh wait it is just another lie for someone to feel bad for him and spoon feed him in life. Just seeing him post shit on facebook and trying to get sympathy is pissing me off. Am I a bad person for feeling this way? I don't think so, I don't care if I am being judged for the things I have just written. I was trying to be a nice person and let him know what was going on when he asked. I wish I never did because now he is never going to go away. He is like a bad cancer.
I was born by a 19 year old girl and a 26 year old man. They were not ready for a child and got married because of me. Bad idea for my mother who was miserable for 14 years of her life.
At 3 years old my father who would smoke pot, left me alone in the kitchen. I climbed on the kitchen table, opened up a bottle of pills and took some. My stomach had to be pumped, but I was okay.
At 4 or 5, I was helping my mother clean the house and dusted $100.00 of coke off the bedroom end table in my parents room. Got spanked because of it by my father.
At the same time of the coke incident, I remember my father driving me to brownstone looking house and meeting with people. Later on in life I found out he was buying pot with his little girl in the car.
After his heart attack, he decided he was going to stop drugs. He would take me to his meetings on Coney Island Avenue where I would see people who are having withdrawals from heroin and other narcotics.
He would go on to continue smoking pot and used it as a "bonding experience" with me when I was a teenager.
At 14, he snapped and almost killed my mother in the car when she asked for a divorce. When he returned to the house, he flipped over furniture and almost threw a chair at my grandmother. I tried to call 911 and he ripped the phone out of the wall. I grabbed a knife and was going to stab him if I had to, to protect my brother, sister and grandmother who were standing behind me. He left finally and my mother returned to cops in the house.
He was homeless for awhile and was stalking our family. An order of protection was issued.
He decided to call child services on my mother, but didn't win.
He was institutionalized and was diagnosed as a manic depressive and bipolar. He is also a pathological liar.
He has had 3 wives that I know of. Who knows if there are any other children he has running around.
Also, he is a deadbeat dad. Only paid child support when he had a job on the books.
There is always a letter to apologize for the wrong he's done. Never can he face up to it as a man.
There is so much more, but I can go on forever. He was not a nice father and do not want him around while I am going through this. He is stressful to be around and do not want to hear the lies anymore. He has been telling my sister and my aunt he is ready to kill himself because he has nothing to live for. He has been saying this for years. Just do it already, oh wait it is just another lie for someone to feel bad for him and spoon feed him in life. Just seeing him post shit on facebook and trying to get sympathy is pissing me off. Am I a bad person for feeling this way? I don't think so, I don't care if I am being judged for the things I have just written. I was trying to be a nice person and let him know what was going on when he asked. I wish I never did because now he is never going to go away. He is like a bad cancer.
Tests, Tests and more Tests!!
Once again the waiting continues. My biopsy results are still not in, and I was told to come back to the Cancer Center on Thursday. It will be over 3 weeks since I had the biopsy and the only result I got out of it was it is not Non Hodgkin's lymphoma. What is taking them so long to obtain a prognosis?! I am praying it is nothing really bad if it is not lymphoma.
I went to my family doctor and she does not agree it is lymphoma. The blood results do not match what should be shown if it is cancer. She is going to be discussing other tests with my oncologist to move the diagnosis quicker. I will probably be taking the bone marrow test shortly as well at a PET scan, (Positron Emission Tomography). PET works by providing a dynamic image of the body's interior. Instead of taking a picture of the bones, like an X-ray, or the internal organs and soft tissue, like a MRI, PET lets doctors visualize the body's metabolism. Cells use the simple sugar glucose as a source of energy. By tracking how much glucose is metabolized in different areas of the body, PET enables physicians to map the body's use of the fuel. In order to see the glucose, nuclear medicine physicians attach radioactive tracers to a chemical cousin of glucose. When the mix is injected in a patient, the scanner and computer work together to create an image. Because cancer cells are dividing rapidly, they break down glucose at a much higher rate than most normal cells and the increased activity can show up on a scan. In this way, doctors can see both primary and metastatic tumors. PET scans differ from conventional CAT because this newer test is better able to detect much smaller, microscopic amounts of cancer cells that have been left over after treatment and to verify that a suspicious mass is truly cancer. CAT, on the other hand, is only able to detect larger masses, and only a surgical procedure, or biopsy, can verify that the CAT-detected mass is cancer. A PET scan can verify that even small masses are cancerous because the technique uses a type of sugar, or glucose, that glows. Cancer cells ingest larger amounts of glucose than normal cells, so they glow "hotter" than normal cells. So while CAT can identify suspicious masses based on their size, PET scans can identify masses that are cancerous based on their behavior. PET scans can be used in place of biopsy in some patients suspected of having lung cancer, and helps to guide treatment.
My family doctor requested I stay home until a diagnosis is made. That means being the girl in the bubble for days or even weeks. I need speak to my human resource department and see if I can go on disability or FLMA (Family Medical Leave Act). I have not missed this much work since I was 18 when I started to get anxiety attacks. I was out of work for a month because of this and I was also agoraphobic.
Wednesday I will also be visiting a gastrologist and will be scheduling the colonoscopy. I was told I would not have that procedure that day since I have to drink something the night before. Great more appointments. I just want to pull my hair out. I want to collapse on the floor and just cry my eyes out. Unfortunately, I ran outof tears weeks ago.
I went to my family doctor and she does not agree it is lymphoma. The blood results do not match what should be shown if it is cancer. She is going to be discussing other tests with my oncologist to move the diagnosis quicker. I will probably be taking the bone marrow test shortly as well at a PET scan, (Positron Emission Tomography). PET works by providing a dynamic image of the body's interior. Instead of taking a picture of the bones, like an X-ray, or the internal organs and soft tissue, like a MRI, PET lets doctors visualize the body's metabolism. Cells use the simple sugar glucose as a source of energy. By tracking how much glucose is metabolized in different areas of the body, PET enables physicians to map the body's use of the fuel. In order to see the glucose, nuclear medicine physicians attach radioactive tracers to a chemical cousin of glucose. When the mix is injected in a patient, the scanner and computer work together to create an image. Because cancer cells are dividing rapidly, they break down glucose at a much higher rate than most normal cells and the increased activity can show up on a scan. In this way, doctors can see both primary and metastatic tumors. PET scans differ from conventional CAT because this newer test is better able to detect much smaller, microscopic amounts of cancer cells that have been left over after treatment and to verify that a suspicious mass is truly cancer. CAT, on the other hand, is only able to detect larger masses, and only a surgical procedure, or biopsy, can verify that the CAT-detected mass is cancer. A PET scan can verify that even small masses are cancerous because the technique uses a type of sugar, or glucose, that glows. Cancer cells ingest larger amounts of glucose than normal cells, so they glow "hotter" than normal cells. So while CAT can identify suspicious masses based on their size, PET scans can identify masses that are cancerous based on their behavior. PET scans can be used in place of biopsy in some patients suspected of having lung cancer, and helps to guide treatment.
My family doctor requested I stay home until a diagnosis is made. That means being the girl in the bubble for days or even weeks. I need speak to my human resource department and see if I can go on disability or FLMA (Family Medical Leave Act). I have not missed this much work since I was 18 when I started to get anxiety attacks. I was out of work for a month because of this and I was also agoraphobic.
Wednesday I will also be visiting a gastrologist and will be scheduling the colonoscopy. I was told I would not have that procedure that day since I have to drink something the night before. Great more appointments. I just want to pull my hair out. I want to collapse on the floor and just cry my eyes out. Unfortunately, I ran outof tears weeks ago.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Still in the dark.
Monday night was difficult. I cried while Mark held me in bed because I didn't want Tuesday to come. I didn't want to know what I was up against for the next year of my life. I wanted everything to go back to normal, hating my job and looking for a new place. Instead, I was blowing my nose in the bathroom and asking every loved one who passed away in my life to not let me have Cancer. Since I don't believe in religion or God, I asked my grandparents and Bruno to please help and make it something else.
Well Tuesday came and went. I walked into the Cancer Center and had to fill out some paperwork in one office. After I was done, I was asked to take the elevator to the 2nd floor to the doctors office. When I was there I sat in a room with older people, some had hair and some did not. I pictured myself coming here every day and becoming these people. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would be like this. When I walked up to the desk I had to fill out more paperwork. Once that was completed, they gave me a hospital bracelet with my information and a beeper you would get when waiting for a table at Fridays or Applebees. Before I sat down I had to get my picture taken. I wondered if it was a before and after of what I will look like when I will lose my hair.
When the beeper went off, I sat in the examiner room and met a resident who asked me all the same questions I answered at the hospital 100 times. I was told my biopsy has not come back yet due to the long holiday weekend. Great more waiting. The resident stated the doctor is trying to get a hold of the lab and see what result they have at this time. Well I got some answers, but still in the blue. Here is what I know now:
- Hodgkin's lymphoma has come out inconclusive on the markers. Tests are still being run with the last tissue sent to the world renowned oncologist, Dr. Jaffrey.
- 40 other types of lymphomas are still being tested with my tissue. All has been inconclusive at this time.
-The CAT scan showed I may have colitis, so a colonoscopy is needed as soon as possible. More shit to deal with. The doctor said this could be why I was constipated.
- The MRI showed my spine is fine. A piece is missing, but nothing more. The MRI was to rule out a tumor.
- I am slightly anemic due to whatever I had. Maybe its all the damn blood they are drawing from my hands and arms
The doctor also stated they are not convinced it may even be a Cancer. They drew 8 viles of blood from me yesterday to also test for Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Thyroid issues. I am supposed to know all by this Thursday or at my appointment on Monday, back at the Cancer Center. I will need a bone marrow test which they take a piece of the bone and liquid from the marrow from my buttocks. It is in outpatient procedure so it is not too bad.
Even though we do not know it is cancer, the doctor still discussed treatment which I would need if it is. It would be chemo and they would insert a port in my chest so the nurses would not have to stick me all the time with the needles. The port act like an IV. Also, if I have to get chemo, i will probably be infertile or have problems conceiving children. Well here goes my chances of being a mother. I will freeze my eggs and see if I would be able to carry to full term one day. If not, I would need a surrogot mother. Oh my jesus that sucks.
I am not trying to think about this all now, because there is nothing to really think about. I still do not know what is in store for me, but at least we know the worst case of lymphnoma is not it. I am going to try and go back to work tomorrow, even though my mom and Mark feel I should stay home until we know what is going on. My white blood cell count is still very high, 18,000, and I cannot catch a cold or a virus right now since we don't know what I am fighting. Plus, I am getting my period and the cramps are killing me and my back hurts as well. Maybe going to work is not a good idea. I don't know what to do.
I need a vacation so bad to forget everything and clear my mind. This shit can drive a person mad... and I can't have that because metal illness runs big in my family history.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Educating myself just incase
I have always been the type of person who looks up everything medically on the internet or in books. When I was 16 and had mono and a cyst on my ovary I looked up every little thing. It became so bad that my mother threw away all my medical books I took from the library.
Well moments ago I built up the courage to look up the symptoms of lymphnoma. I wasn't going to because I am thinking positive, but I have gto see for myself what I may be up against. So far I have only looked at the symptoms and it doesn't look good.
On the website, http://www.lymphomainfo.net/lymphoma/symptoms.html, I read the following.
Lymphoma is not difficult to diagnose once a patient and doctor begin to look for signs of cancer. However, Lymphoma–especially non-Hodgkin lymphoma–can be something of a silent killer. Symptoms are frequently minor or nonexistent in the early stages. Furthermore, lymphoma symptoms mimic symptoms of common sickness that are familiar and not necessarily threatening to most patients.
Lymphoma symptoms are not specific to the disease. For this reason, it is very important that you tell your doctor during regular checkups about any symptoms that you might be experiencing. They include (below are the symtoms I noticed I have):
Well moments ago I built up the courage to look up the symptoms of lymphnoma. I wasn't going to because I am thinking positive, but I have gto see for myself what I may be up against. So far I have only looked at the symptoms and it doesn't look good.
On the website, http://www.lymphomainfo.net/lymphoma/symptoms.html, I read the following.
Lymphoma is not difficult to diagnose once a patient and doctor begin to look for signs of cancer. However, Lymphoma–especially non-Hodgkin lymphoma–can be something of a silent killer. Symptoms are frequently minor or nonexistent in the early stages. Furthermore, lymphoma symptoms mimic symptoms of common sickness that are familiar and not necessarily threatening to most patients.
Lymphoma symptoms are not specific to the disease. For this reason, it is very important that you tell your doctor during regular checkups about any symptoms that you might be experiencing. They include (below are the symtoms I noticed I have):
- - Swollen lymph nodes - Lymphoma may cause swelling of lymph nodes in the neck, chest, abdomen and on the skin. (Have one on my neck for a year. ENT doctor said it was nothing because I was having sinus infections. Keep reading it gets better.) Lymph nodes in the neck frequently swell in cases of sinus infection or can be symptomatic of the flu. But if they persist for a long time or occur apart from other sickness they might be cause for concern.
- - Unexplained weight loss - Sudden and unexpected weight loss of 10% or more of total body weight could be a cause for concern. (I am on spirolactone for my acne and poly cystic ovary syndrome which causes weight loss. I have lost 20lbs in two years but I have noticed more weight being lost in the past couple of months)
- - Night sweats - These will usually occur in conjunction with a fever. (But I have no fever, however I have been sweating more in my sleep then usual. I wake up like I peed on myself and my legs are completely soaked)
- - Fatigue / Lack of energy - Again, this can be related to many things but in combination with other symptoms might be significant (Thought it was work related)
- - Lower back pain - Obviously, most back pain occurs for reasons apart from lymphoma. However, expanding lymph nodes may press on nerves and cause lower back pain. This type of pain should be considered in the presence of other symptoms. (This is how it all started)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Flash Before My Eyes
I never thought starting this blog I would have anything to write. I figured it would just be the occasional rant or just a diary entry of my week or day. However, these couple of days my life has changed drastically.
I was having back pain on an off for a month now. I just thought it was due to not having regular bowel movements from stress from my job. I went to the doctor the second week of Janunary and had extreme sidepains and back pains. My doctor checked me out and asked me to go for an X-Ray to rule out kidney stones. The pictures came back clean and I was told it was muscle spasms. I was given pain med and muscle relaxers which I took for a couple of days. I didn't go to the bathroom for a few days, but when I did I felt a lot better and didn't have pain again... until last week.
I couldn't sleep well for days and would get up in the middle of the night in pain. The only relief I would have was when I out a warm compress on my hip or back or take a hot shower. Once again I wansn't going to the bathroom regularly and thought I would be fine once I pass a large stool. Well I did on Monday, 2/14, Valentine's Day. It felt like I gave birth and my side was killing me. I had my boyfriend drive me to the train to go to work, but could't make it. I asked to be driven to the hospital and that is when my life flashed before my eyes.
They gave me IV fluids and I went to the bathroom and the pain was gone. I was given a CT scan to rule out kidney stones, so I was waiting for the results and figured I would go home since I was feeling better. Well, my resident came and told me they found swollen lymphnodes in my abdomin and some in my chest but it was not clear. I would have to take another CT scan and see what other findings they have. My blood test came back and I had a high White Blood Cell count (WBC) which was 24000. Normally it is 8000-10000. There were no kidney stones, but now there was a fluke.
CT showed large lymphnodes the size of ping pong balls in my chest and abdomin. They admitted me to the hospital in order to take a byopsy of the lymphnode to see what is going on. At this moment I will not know until Tuesday if I have lymphnoma or just a bad infection. Caner, I feel fine. No fever, no pain, no nothing. I can't have cancer it is impossible. I have an oncologist. Never in my life would I ever think I would have one.
So they did the biopsy on Tuesday, but they found a small piece of my spine missing on my L2. It looks like someone took a bite, which means it is wearing away. What the hell is that? Now another thing I will need to worry about.
I am home today and trying to clear my head and not think about anything until Tuesday. I will cross that bridge when it comes. Everywhere I turn though, I see CANCER. Commercials, people conversations, people I meet. They are all survivors, but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to put my loved one through this. It is not fair. The love of my life is a mess. He is not the same person he was four days ago. I want him to joke around, he seems lifeless. And it hurts me to see him this way. He really wasn't with me through this physically because of work and I know that kills him. I was only able to see him at night for a few hours. I just want things to go back they way they were. I wish this was a bad dream.
My parents are a mess. My friends are praying for me. All I think about is Bruno. My ex boyfriend who passed away from lung cancer at 32 years old. He did not smoke, but cancer ran in his family. It only took him 4 weeks from being admitted to the hospital to passing away. He had stage 4 and he didn't want to fight anymore. I flew out to Californina and stayed at his bed side for his last week of life. I was there at 9am until 10pm and held his hand. I only had 2 days to physically speak to him because he was in a medical coma until the last day of his life. He woke up to tell us he was ready to see his dad in heaven. The doctor gave him something to relax him a put him to sleep. He wanted no oxygen and I saw his body change all colors and watched him take his last breath. This is all I think about. I am happy I was with him, but I wish i didn't see all of that because that is what i am thinking about.
I am not ready to die. I am scared, petrified of death. I am 28 years old. I haven't had a family or the house of my dreams. I am not ready to leave everyone.
I am not a religious person at all, but OH GOD please let this just be a bad infection and nothing more. I can't see myself going though kemo and losing my hair. I hate this shit. I have such wave of emotions. One minute I am fine and the next I am crying. I am trying to stay strong for everyone around me but I exhausted... exhausted from crying, exhausted from being strong from everyone around me.
I will probably write on a regular now just to get things off my chest.
I was having back pain on an off for a month now. I just thought it was due to not having regular bowel movements from stress from my job. I went to the doctor the second week of Janunary and had extreme sidepains and back pains. My doctor checked me out and asked me to go for an X-Ray to rule out kidney stones. The pictures came back clean and I was told it was muscle spasms. I was given pain med and muscle relaxers which I took for a couple of days. I didn't go to the bathroom for a few days, but when I did I felt a lot better and didn't have pain again... until last week.
I couldn't sleep well for days and would get up in the middle of the night in pain. The only relief I would have was when I out a warm compress on my hip or back or take a hot shower. Once again I wansn't going to the bathroom regularly and thought I would be fine once I pass a large stool. Well I did on Monday, 2/14, Valentine's Day. It felt like I gave birth and my side was killing me. I had my boyfriend drive me to the train to go to work, but could't make it. I asked to be driven to the hospital and that is when my life flashed before my eyes.
They gave me IV fluids and I went to the bathroom and the pain was gone. I was given a CT scan to rule out kidney stones, so I was waiting for the results and figured I would go home since I was feeling better. Well, my resident came and told me they found swollen lymphnodes in my abdomin and some in my chest but it was not clear. I would have to take another CT scan and see what other findings they have. My blood test came back and I had a high White Blood Cell count (WBC) which was 24000. Normally it is 8000-10000. There were no kidney stones, but now there was a fluke.
CT showed large lymphnodes the size of ping pong balls in my chest and abdomin. They admitted me to the hospital in order to take a byopsy of the lymphnode to see what is going on. At this moment I will not know until Tuesday if I have lymphnoma or just a bad infection. Caner, I feel fine. No fever, no pain, no nothing. I can't have cancer it is impossible. I have an oncologist. Never in my life would I ever think I would have one.
So they did the biopsy on Tuesday, but they found a small piece of my spine missing on my L2. It looks like someone took a bite, which means it is wearing away. What the hell is that? Now another thing I will need to worry about.
I am home today and trying to clear my head and not think about anything until Tuesday. I will cross that bridge when it comes. Everywhere I turn though, I see CANCER. Commercials, people conversations, people I meet. They are all survivors, but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to put my loved one through this. It is not fair. The love of my life is a mess. He is not the same person he was four days ago. I want him to joke around, he seems lifeless. And it hurts me to see him this way. He really wasn't with me through this physically because of work and I know that kills him. I was only able to see him at night for a few hours. I just want things to go back they way they were. I wish this was a bad dream.
My parents are a mess. My friends are praying for me. All I think about is Bruno. My ex boyfriend who passed away from lung cancer at 32 years old. He did not smoke, but cancer ran in his family. It only took him 4 weeks from being admitted to the hospital to passing away. He had stage 4 and he didn't want to fight anymore. I flew out to Californina and stayed at his bed side for his last week of life. I was there at 9am until 10pm and held his hand. I only had 2 days to physically speak to him because he was in a medical coma until the last day of his life. He woke up to tell us he was ready to see his dad in heaven. The doctor gave him something to relax him a put him to sleep. He wanted no oxygen and I saw his body change all colors and watched him take his last breath. This is all I think about. I am happy I was with him, but I wish i didn't see all of that because that is what i am thinking about.
I am not ready to die. I am scared, petrified of death. I am 28 years old. I haven't had a family or the house of my dreams. I am not ready to leave everyone.
I am not a religious person at all, but OH GOD please let this just be a bad infection and nothing more. I can't see myself going though kemo and losing my hair. I hate this shit. I have such wave of emotions. One minute I am fine and the next I am crying. I am trying to stay strong for everyone around me but I exhausted... exhausted from crying, exhausted from being strong from everyone around me.
I will probably write on a regular now just to get things off my chest.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
When is it my time?
I need to have something exciting happen in my life. Everyone around me, I feel like their lives are moving forward and I'm just standing still. It is depressing and I am semi-depressed because of it. Yes I have a good job I can't stand, my own place which I want to move from, and a loving man in my life who is content the way we are.
It is never enough is it? To want more in life that is. I guess now I am ready for the next chapter, but when will it happen?
I am not getting any younger. My eggs are decreasing day by day, year by year. I am ready to be a mom. I look at him and I picture what our children will look like. Is it sad that I have names picked out? Am I crazy for wishing each month I do not get my period? Probably. Everyone around me is pregnant, showing off their sonograms and having baby showers. I sit there, jealous, wishing it was me in their shoes.
He tells me he wants to marry me, but not sure about a family. Can I be with someone like that, who doesn't want the same things I want? I love him with all my breath and I could never see him not in my life. But do I sacrifice the one thing I am definately put on this earth for?
It is never enough is it? To want more in life that is. I guess now I am ready for the next chapter, but when will it happen?
I am not getting any younger. My eggs are decreasing day by day, year by year. I am ready to be a mom. I look at him and I picture what our children will look like. Is it sad that I have names picked out? Am I crazy for wishing each month I do not get my period? Probably. Everyone around me is pregnant, showing off their sonograms and having baby showers. I sit there, jealous, wishing it was me in their shoes.
He tells me he wants to marry me, but not sure about a family. Can I be with someone like that, who doesn't want the same things I want? I love him with all my breath and I could never see him not in my life. But do I sacrifice the one thing I am definately put on this earth for?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Inspiration
I have a friend in my life, not someone I've known for very long, but a friend who has made me take a deep breath. Her words made a river of tears stream down my face. I sat there reading each line, each sentence, and it was complete raw emotion. I thought to myself, how can someone sit there and post such intimate details about their life without a blink, a hestitaion? I am a "writer" (a degree in writing and literature) and I could never bring myself to state anything publicly until now. I had this utopic realization, which is rare, that I too can do this.
So for all you readers of Release Me, I am not sure if my thoughts or timeline of days will keep you interested, but this blog is for me... to stop keeping it bottled up in a journal and to live out loud on the internet and in the moment. Time to get up and face the new world... 2011... a year where I will have my ups and downs like any other year. Tomorrow I will be 28 years old and ready to follow that yellow brick road and move forward in my life.
So for all you readers of Release Me, I am not sure if my thoughts or timeline of days will keep you interested, but this blog is for me... to stop keeping it bottled up in a journal and to live out loud on the internet and in the moment. Time to get up and face the new world... 2011... a year where I will have my ups and downs like any other year. Tomorrow I will be 28 years old and ready to follow that yellow brick road and move forward in my life.
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