The starting of the fight might have just begun.

Life was good.  Normalcy was back in my life.  I went back to work, started hanging out with my friends and planning my wedding.  I really thought everything was behind me and I can move on with my life. Then February came again.  The eruption of back pain started, and this time in full force. A new doctor was introduced and the poking/prodding started all over.  A needle aspiration in a swollen lymph node of my neck may have given me a conclusion to this chapter of my diagnosis.  Classical Hodgkin's Lymphoma I was told, which almost put me in cardiac arrest.

I was just about to lay on a hospital bed because of the back pain, when I got the call from the ENT doctor from Cornell/Presbyterian.  "The pathologist found A-typical cells of Classical Hodgkin's Lymphoma, but we need to have that biopsy done to make a 100% diagnosis."  My stomach dropped and my heart was racing.  The nurse came and started plugging me in to all these machines.  "Why does she need to be on a monitor," my friend asked.  The nurse replied my heart rate is through the roof as well as my blood pressure.  Once I was plugged in, the monitor began beeping.  I turned around and saw bright green numbers reading 136.  Four nurses were watching the monitor and said I need to calm down because I am tacking.  Great, now I'm going to have a damn heart attack because of all this.  I just closed my eyes, cleared my head and thought about sandy beaches.  I had to control myself with the news I just received.

14 months will come in a flash.  All I am thinking about is if this is Lymphoma, I will be a bald bride.  My beautiful lace dress draping against the floor.  The wind blowing petals off my flowers, and there is me... the hot sun beating against my bald head.  I know I would be crying down the aisle not because of my looks, but because I have been through the treatment which I fought and won the battle.  I am marrying the man of my dreams and there is nothing which can stop our love.

It's just the babies... which I will probably never have.  To feel life inside of me growing and kicking.  Having the uncontrollable love and desire for the the one thing which makes me a woman.  I know there is adoption and I have always been for it, but it is not the same.  Don't take me wrong, I will love and cherish my child however it is brought to me, but the invisible umbilical cord from mother to child will never be there.  I was told early on when all this was happening, I could freeze my eggs, but my insurance will not cover it.  Plus who knows if my eggs are even good.  Between my poly cystic ovary syndrome, and now possibly the big C, they may be sunny side up and runny.  Do I spend the money on freezing and the hope of carrying a baby, or adoption?

I'm too young for this shit.  At least the ENT doctor told me it is a very treatable cancer and I have nothing to worry about.  Just the thought of having chemo or radiation is mind boggling.  I blame myself for this.  When I was younger and I was upset at things I used to wish I had cancer and just die.  I said it too much and now the Cancer is coming true.  But I won't die... because I have too much to live for and I haven't accomplished pissing off the world.