Still in the dark.

Monday night was difficult.  I cried while Mark held me in bed because I didn't want Tuesday to come.  I didn't want to know what I was up against for the next year of my life.  I wanted everything to go back to normal, hating my job and looking for a new place.  Instead, I was blowing my nose in the bathroom and asking every loved one who passed away in my life to not let me have Cancer.  Since I don't believe in religion or God, I asked my grandparents and Bruno to please help and make it something else.

Well Tuesday came and went.  I walked into the Cancer Center and had to fill out some paperwork in one office.  After I was done, I was asked to take the elevator to the 2nd floor to the doctors office.  When I was there I sat in a room with older people, some had hair and some did not.  I pictured myself coming here every day and becoming these people.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would be like this.  When I walked up to the desk I had to fill out more paperwork.  Once that was completed, they gave me a hospital bracelet with my information and a beeper you would get when waiting for a table at Fridays or Applebees.  Before I sat down I had to get my picture taken.  I wondered if it was a before and after of what I will look like when I will lose my hair.

When the beeper went off, I sat in the examiner room and met a resident who asked me all the same questions I answered at the hospital 100 times.  I was told my biopsy has not come back yet due to the long holiday weekend.  Great more waiting.  The resident stated the doctor is trying to get a hold of the lab and see what result they have at this time.  Well I got some answers, but still in the blue.  Here is what I know now:

-   It is not Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  The marker on the test shows this is negative

-  Hodgkin's lymphoma has come out inconclusive on the markers.  Tests are still being run with the last tissue sent to the world renowned oncologist, Dr. Jaffrey.

-  40 other types of lymphomas are still being tested with my tissue.  All has been inconclusive at this time.

-The CAT scan showed I may have colitis, so a colonoscopy is needed as soon as possible.  More shit to deal with.  The doctor said this could be why I was constipated.

-  The MRI showed my spine is fine.  A piece is missing, but nothing more.  The MRI was to rule out a tumor.

-  I am slightly anemic due to whatever I had.  Maybe its all the damn blood they are drawing from my hands and arms

The doctor also stated they are not convinced it may even be a Cancer.  They drew 8 viles of blood from me yesterday to also test for Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Thyroid issues.  I am supposed to know all by this Thursday or at my appointment on Monday, back at the Cancer Center. I will need a bone marrow test which they take a piece of the bone and liquid from the marrow from my buttocks.  It is in outpatient procedure so it is not too bad.

Even though we do not know it is cancer, the doctor still discussed treatment which I would need if it is.  It would be chemo and they would insert a port in my chest so the nurses would not have to stick me all the time with the needles.  The port act like an IV.  Also, if I have to get chemo, i will probably be infertile or have problems conceiving children.  Well here goes my chances of being a mother.  I will freeze my eggs and see if I would be able to carry to full term one day.  If not, I would need a surrogot mother.  Oh my jesus that sucks.

I am not trying to think about this all now, because there is nothing to really think about.  I still do not know what is in store for me, but at least we know the worst case of lymphnoma is not it.  I am going to try and go back to work tomorrow, even though my mom and Mark feel I should stay home until we know what is going on.  My white blood cell count is still very high, 18,000,  and I cannot catch a cold or a virus right now since we don't know what I am fighting. Plus, I am getting my period and the cramps are killing me and my back hurts as well.  Maybe going to work is not a good idea.  I don't know what to do.

I need a vacation so bad to forget everything and clear my mind.  This shit can drive a person mad... and I can't have that because metal illness runs big in my family history.