Flash Before My Eyes

I never thought starting this blog I would have anything to write.  I figured it would just be the occasional rant or just a diary entry of my week or day.  However, these couple of days my life has changed drastically. 

I was having back pain on an off for a month now.  I just thought it was due to not having regular bowel movements from stress from my job. I went to the doctor the second week of Janunary and had extreme sidepains and back pains.  My doctor checked me out and asked me to go for an X-Ray to rule out kidney stones.  The pictures came back clean and I was told it was muscle spasms.  I was given pain med and muscle relaxers which I took for a couple of days.  I didn't go to the bathroom for a few days, but when I did I felt a lot better and didn't have pain again... until last week.

I couldn't sleep well for days and would get up in the middle of the night in pain.  The only relief I would have was when I out a warm compress on my hip or back or take a hot shower.  Once again I wansn't going to the bathroom regularly and thought I would be fine once I pass a large stool.  Well I did on Monday, 2/14, Valentine's Day. It felt like I gave birth and my side was killing me.  I had my boyfriend drive me to the train to go to work, but could't make it.  I asked to be driven to the hospital and that is when my life flashed before my eyes.

They gave me IV fluids and I went to the bathroom and the pain was gone.  I was given a CT scan to rule out kidney stones, so I was waiting for the results and figured I would go home since I was feeling better.  Well, my resident came and told me they found swollen lymphnodes in my abdomin and some in my chest but it was not clear.  I would have to take another CT scan and see what other findings they have.  My blood test came back and I had a high White Blood Cell count (WBC) which was 24000.  Normally it is 8000-10000.   There were no kidney stones, but now there was a fluke.

CT showed large lymphnodes the size of ping pong balls in my chest and abdomin.  They admitted me to the hospital in order to take a byopsy of the lymphnode to see what is going on.  At this moment I will not know until Tuesday if I have lymphnoma or just a bad infection.  Caner, I feel fine.  No fever, no pain, no nothing.  I can't have cancer it is impossible.  I have an oncologist.  Never in my life would I ever think I would have one. 

So they did the biopsy on Tuesday, but they found a small piece of my spine missing on my L2.  It looks like someone took a bite, which means it is wearing away.  What the hell is that?  Now another thing I will need to worry about.

I am home today and trying to clear my head and not think about anything until Tuesday.  I will cross that bridge when it comes.  Everywhere I turn though, I see CANCER.  Commercials, people conversations, people I meet.  They are all survivors, but I don't want to go through this.  I don't want to put my loved one through this.  It is not fair.  The love of my life is a mess.  He is not the same person he was four days ago.  I want him to joke around, he seems lifeless.  And it hurts me to see him this way.  He really wasn't with me through this physically because of work and I know that kills him.  I was only able to see him at night for a few hours.  I just want things to go back they way they were.  I wish this was a bad dream.

My parents are a mess.  My friends are praying for me.  All I think about is Bruno.  My ex boyfriend who passed away from lung cancer at 32 years old.  He did not smoke, but cancer ran in his family.  It only took him 4 weeks from being admitted to the hospital to passing away.  He had stage 4 and he didn't want to fight anymore. I flew out to Californina and stayed at his bed side for his last week of life. I was there at 9am until 10pm and held his hand.  I only had 2 days to physically speak to him because he was in a medical coma until the last day of his life.  He woke up to tell us he was ready to see his dad in heaven.  The doctor gave him something to relax him a put him to sleep.  He wanted no oxygen and I saw his body change all colors and watched him take his last breath.  This is all I think about.  I am happy I was with him, but I wish i didn't see all of that because that is what i am thinking about.

I am not ready to die.  I am scared, petrified of death.  I am 28 years old.  I haven't had a family or the house of my dreams.  I am not ready to leave everyone.

I am not a religious person at all, but OH GOD please let this just be a bad infection and nothing more.  I can't see myself going though kemo and losing my hair.  I hate this shit.  I have such wave of emotions.  One minute I am fine and the next I am crying.  I am trying to stay strong for everyone around me but I exhausted... exhausted from crying, exhausted from being strong from everyone around me.

I will probably write on a regular now just to get things off my chest.