In Stride

I know its been awhile since I posted anything on my blog.  A lot has happened the past couple of weeks.  As most of you know I have been enduring chemo treatments since August 15th.   So far the treatment has been working, but the appointments are horrible.  The chemo I am given is ABVD which is a chemotherapy regimen used in the first-line treatment of Hodgkin lymphoma. It consists of concurrent treatment with the chemotherapy drugs:

• Adriamycin
• bleomycin
• vinblastine
• dacarbazine

When I get into the room every other Friday (twice a month), the nurse inserts an IV in my arm.  Unfortunately, my veins are either too small or not thick enough which makes the treatment painful.  The 1st three medications (ABV), is given by injection through the IV.  My body is so sensitive, that the vein which it is going through, my skin start receiving a rash.  I become itchy, but it subsides after an hour.

The last medication which is given goes through a bag intravenously.  At this point my vein can no longer take it and it starts to burn so bad that I am crying uncontrollably.  The IV is changed into another vein and it is better.  I am usually in this room for 6 hours and all I want to do is go home.  Thank god Mark is with me by my side at all my appointments.

This last treatment was horrible.  I became so sick, I was vomiting for 4 hours straight and finally passed out.  It was so bad, I had to be wheeled downstairs to the front of the hospital by the nurse.  These past 2 weeks my hand swelled up because of the IV.  I can't even wear my engagement ring, my fingers are so big.

Another crazy thing has happened, which I was in extreme denial over... my hair has started to fall out.  I know I keep saying it is just hair and it grows back, but being a woman and all, it is traumatizing.  I finally decided to chop my hair off since it was so annoying to wash it every day.  Large strands would just come out with each stroke.  My drain would be clogged and hair would be all over my body.  Now, with my hair short it is not too bad.  I actually like it a lot.  I am just dreading when I will need to shave it off.  My brother volunteered to shave his head with me and I thought that was so sweet of him.

Speaking about my family, I feel like I have grown closer to them.  I get phone calls more often, even with my newly extended family.  I am so grateful of the large support system I have.  I know its been hard for everyone, especially Mark.  He is so patient and tends to my every need.  I know its a lot for him to balance work and myself.  He is the only one bringing in the "bacon" and it makes me feel hopeless.  I have always worked and have taken care of myself.  Now for the first time I have to let someone take care of me.  It is hard, but I am learning to deal with it. 

It just sucks that this is happening to me now.  I am supposed to be feeling exciting for my upcoming engagement party.  Instead, I am worried that I will not be up to par for it.  The thought of dancing and entertaining seems so exhausting.  But, then I say to myself, this will be a great thing.  It will make me feel normal again, being surrounded by people and not a slave in my bedroom.  So what if I get tired, I will just take it slow and sit.   I can speak to my guest which will be a personal touch.  I know I will be fine, especially for my wedding...

...Ah my wedding.  I am hoping the cancer is gone by then and no radiation is needed.  I finish treatment on January 13th.  I have 7 months to get myself ready, mentally and physically.  The only thing that will suck is my hair will be short so a wig is needed.  I am also hoping I do not have any scaring on my arms from the IV.  So far I have two which are not that noticeable now, but I am hoping more do not follow.

This fight I am enduring has its ups and downs, but you know what it could be worse.  I know I am doing so well, from my blood counts normalizing, to the lymph nodes which are no longer noticeable by touch on my neck.  It is a struggle, but I think of it as a bad case of the stomach flu. 

I will end this blog with a message a dear friend told me which has stuck in my mind.  With each strand of my "hair leaving, the cancer is going with it.  It is a sign of starting over."