Facebook sucks sometimes. My biological father has found out through Facebook that I may have cancer. I so did not want him to know. I haven't spoken to my father in 3 years and want nothing to do with him. He and I have a shitty history that I think I will share and finally let it out. I stated that this blog is a release for my future, past and present.
I was born by a 19 year old girl and a 26 year old man. They were not ready for a child and got married because of me. Bad idea for my mother who was miserable for 14 years of her life.
At 3 years old my father who would smoke pot, left me alone in the kitchen. I climbed on the kitchen table, opened up a bottle of pills and took some. My stomach had to be pumped, but I was okay.
At 4 or 5, I was helping my mother clean the house and dusted $100.00 of coke off the bedroom end table in my parents room. Got spanked because of it by my father.
At the same time of the coke incident, I remember my father driving me to brownstone looking house and meeting with people. Later on in life I found out he was buying pot with his little girl in the car.
After his heart attack, he decided he was going to stop drugs. He would take me to his meetings on Coney Island Avenue where I would see people who are having withdrawals from heroin and other narcotics.
He would go on to continue smoking pot and used it as a "bonding experience" with me when I was a teenager.
At 14, he snapped and almost killed my mother in the car when she asked for a divorce. When he returned to the house, he flipped over furniture and almost threw a chair at my grandmother. I tried to call 911 and he ripped the phone out of the wall. I grabbed a knife and was going to stab him if I had to, to protect my brother, sister and grandmother who were standing behind me. He left finally and my mother returned to cops in the house.
He was homeless for awhile and was stalking our family. An order of protection was issued.
He decided to call child services on my mother, but didn't win.
He was institutionalized and was diagnosed as a manic depressive and bipolar. He is also a pathological liar.
He has had 3 wives that I know of. Who knows if there are any other children he has running around.
Also, he is a deadbeat dad. Only paid child support when he had a job on the books.
There is always a letter to apologize for the wrong he's done. Never can he face up to it as a man.
There is so much more, but I can go on forever. He was not a nice father and do not want him around while I am going through this. He is stressful to be around and do not want to hear the lies anymore. He has been telling my sister and my aunt he is ready to kill himself because he has nothing to live for. He has been saying this for years. Just do it already, oh wait it is just another lie for someone to feel bad for him and spoon feed him in life. Just seeing him post shit on facebook and trying to get sympathy is pissing me off. Am I a bad person for feeling this way? I don't think so, I don't care if I am being judged for the things I have just written. I was trying to be a nice person and let him know what was going on when he asked. I wish I never did because now he is never going to go away. He is like a bad cancer.
About Me
- Michelle
- I have a past... just like anyone else. Don't judge me for the things I have done and the mistakes I have made. Because my past and my mistakes have brought me this far and has made me the person that I am today. I am perfectly content with myself. The more mistakes the more you learn... The more you're hurt the stronger you get... it's called living.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tests, Tests and more Tests!!
Once again the waiting continues. My biopsy results are still not in, and I was told to come back to the Cancer Center on Thursday. It will be over 3 weeks since I had the biopsy and the only result I got out of it was it is not Non Hodgkin's lymphoma. What is taking them so long to obtain a prognosis?! I am praying it is nothing really bad if it is not lymphoma.
I went to my family doctor and she does not agree it is lymphoma. The blood results do not match what should be shown if it is cancer. She is going to be discussing other tests with my oncologist to move the diagnosis quicker. I will probably be taking the bone marrow test shortly as well at a PET scan, (Positron Emission Tomography). PET works by providing a dynamic image of the body's interior. Instead of taking a picture of the bones, like an X-ray, or the internal organs and soft tissue, like a MRI, PET lets doctors visualize the body's metabolism. Cells use the simple sugar glucose as a source of energy. By tracking how much glucose is metabolized in different areas of the body, PET enables physicians to map the body's use of the fuel. In order to see the glucose, nuclear medicine physicians attach radioactive tracers to a chemical cousin of glucose. When the mix is injected in a patient, the scanner and computer work together to create an image. Because cancer cells are dividing rapidly, they break down glucose at a much higher rate than most normal cells and the increased activity can show up on a scan. In this way, doctors can see both primary and metastatic tumors. PET scans differ from conventional CAT because this newer test is better able to detect much smaller, microscopic amounts of cancer cells that have been left over after treatment and to verify that a suspicious mass is truly cancer. CAT, on the other hand, is only able to detect larger masses, and only a surgical procedure, or biopsy, can verify that the CAT-detected mass is cancer. A PET scan can verify that even small masses are cancerous because the technique uses a type of sugar, or glucose, that glows. Cancer cells ingest larger amounts of glucose than normal cells, so they glow "hotter" than normal cells. So while CAT can identify suspicious masses based on their size, PET scans can identify masses that are cancerous based on their behavior. PET scans can be used in place of biopsy in some patients suspected of having lung cancer, and helps to guide treatment.
My family doctor requested I stay home until a diagnosis is made. That means being the girl in the bubble for days or even weeks. I need speak to my human resource department and see if I can go on disability or FLMA (Family Medical Leave Act). I have not missed this much work since I was 18 when I started to get anxiety attacks. I was out of work for a month because of this and I was also agoraphobic.
Wednesday I will also be visiting a gastrologist and will be scheduling the colonoscopy. I was told I would not have that procedure that day since I have to drink something the night before. Great more appointments. I just want to pull my hair out. I want to collapse on the floor and just cry my eyes out. Unfortunately, I ran outof tears weeks ago.
I went to my family doctor and she does not agree it is lymphoma. The blood results do not match what should be shown if it is cancer. She is going to be discussing other tests with my oncologist to move the diagnosis quicker. I will probably be taking the bone marrow test shortly as well at a PET scan, (Positron Emission Tomography). PET works by providing a dynamic image of the body's interior. Instead of taking a picture of the bones, like an X-ray, or the internal organs and soft tissue, like a MRI, PET lets doctors visualize the body's metabolism. Cells use the simple sugar glucose as a source of energy. By tracking how much glucose is metabolized in different areas of the body, PET enables physicians to map the body's use of the fuel. In order to see the glucose, nuclear medicine physicians attach radioactive tracers to a chemical cousin of glucose. When the mix is injected in a patient, the scanner and computer work together to create an image. Because cancer cells are dividing rapidly, they break down glucose at a much higher rate than most normal cells and the increased activity can show up on a scan. In this way, doctors can see both primary and metastatic tumors. PET scans differ from conventional CAT because this newer test is better able to detect much smaller, microscopic amounts of cancer cells that have been left over after treatment and to verify that a suspicious mass is truly cancer. CAT, on the other hand, is only able to detect larger masses, and only a surgical procedure, or biopsy, can verify that the CAT-detected mass is cancer. A PET scan can verify that even small masses are cancerous because the technique uses a type of sugar, or glucose, that glows. Cancer cells ingest larger amounts of glucose than normal cells, so they glow "hotter" than normal cells. So while CAT can identify suspicious masses based on their size, PET scans can identify masses that are cancerous based on their behavior. PET scans can be used in place of biopsy in some patients suspected of having lung cancer, and helps to guide treatment.
My family doctor requested I stay home until a diagnosis is made. That means being the girl in the bubble for days or even weeks. I need speak to my human resource department and see if I can go on disability or FLMA (Family Medical Leave Act). I have not missed this much work since I was 18 when I started to get anxiety attacks. I was out of work for a month because of this and I was also agoraphobic.
Wednesday I will also be visiting a gastrologist and will be scheduling the colonoscopy. I was told I would not have that procedure that day since I have to drink something the night before. Great more appointments. I just want to pull my hair out. I want to collapse on the floor and just cry my eyes out. Unfortunately, I ran outof tears weeks ago.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Still in the dark.
Monday night was difficult. I cried while Mark held me in bed because I didn't want Tuesday to come. I didn't want to know what I was up against for the next year of my life. I wanted everything to go back to normal, hating my job and looking for a new place. Instead, I was blowing my nose in the bathroom and asking every loved one who passed away in my life to not let me have Cancer. Since I don't believe in religion or God, I asked my grandparents and Bruno to please help and make it something else.
Well Tuesday came and went. I walked into the Cancer Center and had to fill out some paperwork in one office. After I was done, I was asked to take the elevator to the 2nd floor to the doctors office. When I was there I sat in a room with older people, some had hair and some did not. I pictured myself coming here every day and becoming these people. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would be like this. When I walked up to the desk I had to fill out more paperwork. Once that was completed, they gave me a hospital bracelet with my information and a beeper you would get when waiting for a table at Fridays or Applebees. Before I sat down I had to get my picture taken. I wondered if it was a before and after of what I will look like when I will lose my hair.
When the beeper went off, I sat in the examiner room and met a resident who asked me all the same questions I answered at the hospital 100 times. I was told my biopsy has not come back yet due to the long holiday weekend. Great more waiting. The resident stated the doctor is trying to get a hold of the lab and see what result they have at this time. Well I got some answers, but still in the blue. Here is what I know now:
- Hodgkin's lymphoma has come out inconclusive on the markers. Tests are still being run with the last tissue sent to the world renowned oncologist, Dr. Jaffrey.
- 40 other types of lymphomas are still being tested with my tissue. All has been inconclusive at this time.
-The CAT scan showed I may have colitis, so a colonoscopy is needed as soon as possible. More shit to deal with. The doctor said this could be why I was constipated.
- The MRI showed my spine is fine. A piece is missing, but nothing more. The MRI was to rule out a tumor.
- I am slightly anemic due to whatever I had. Maybe its all the damn blood they are drawing from my hands and arms
The doctor also stated they are not convinced it may even be a Cancer. They drew 8 viles of blood from me yesterday to also test for Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Thyroid issues. I am supposed to know all by this Thursday or at my appointment on Monday, back at the Cancer Center. I will need a bone marrow test which they take a piece of the bone and liquid from the marrow from my buttocks. It is in outpatient procedure so it is not too bad.
Even though we do not know it is cancer, the doctor still discussed treatment which I would need if it is. It would be chemo and they would insert a port in my chest so the nurses would not have to stick me all the time with the needles. The port act like an IV. Also, if I have to get chemo, i will probably be infertile or have problems conceiving children. Well here goes my chances of being a mother. I will freeze my eggs and see if I would be able to carry to full term one day. If not, I would need a surrogot mother. Oh my jesus that sucks.
I am not trying to think about this all now, because there is nothing to really think about. I still do not know what is in store for me, but at least we know the worst case of lymphnoma is not it. I am going to try and go back to work tomorrow, even though my mom and Mark feel I should stay home until we know what is going on. My white blood cell count is still very high, 18,000, and I cannot catch a cold or a virus right now since we don't know what I am fighting. Plus, I am getting my period and the cramps are killing me and my back hurts as well. Maybe going to work is not a good idea. I don't know what to do.
I need a vacation so bad to forget everything and clear my mind. This shit can drive a person mad... and I can't have that because metal illness runs big in my family history.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Educating myself just incase
I have always been the type of person who looks up everything medically on the internet or in books. When I was 16 and had mono and a cyst on my ovary I looked up every little thing. It became so bad that my mother threw away all my medical books I took from the library.
Well moments ago I built up the courage to look up the symptoms of lymphnoma. I wasn't going to because I am thinking positive, but I have gto see for myself what I may be up against. So far I have only looked at the symptoms and it doesn't look good.
On the website, http://www.lymphomainfo.net/lymphoma/symptoms.html, I read the following.
Lymphoma is not difficult to diagnose once a patient and doctor begin to look for signs of cancer. However, Lymphoma–especially non-Hodgkin lymphoma–can be something of a silent killer. Symptoms are frequently minor or nonexistent in the early stages. Furthermore, lymphoma symptoms mimic symptoms of common sickness that are familiar and not necessarily threatening to most patients.
Lymphoma symptoms are not specific to the disease. For this reason, it is very important that you tell your doctor during regular checkups about any symptoms that you might be experiencing. They include (below are the symtoms I noticed I have):
Well moments ago I built up the courage to look up the symptoms of lymphnoma. I wasn't going to because I am thinking positive, but I have gto see for myself what I may be up against. So far I have only looked at the symptoms and it doesn't look good.
On the website, http://www.lymphomainfo.net/lymphoma/symptoms.html, I read the following.
Lymphoma is not difficult to diagnose once a patient and doctor begin to look for signs of cancer. However, Lymphoma–especially non-Hodgkin lymphoma–can be something of a silent killer. Symptoms are frequently minor or nonexistent in the early stages. Furthermore, lymphoma symptoms mimic symptoms of common sickness that are familiar and not necessarily threatening to most patients.
Lymphoma symptoms are not specific to the disease. For this reason, it is very important that you tell your doctor during regular checkups about any symptoms that you might be experiencing. They include (below are the symtoms I noticed I have):
- - Swollen lymph nodes - Lymphoma may cause swelling of lymph nodes in the neck, chest, abdomen and on the skin. (Have one on my neck for a year. ENT doctor said it was nothing because I was having sinus infections. Keep reading it gets better.) Lymph nodes in the neck frequently swell in cases of sinus infection or can be symptomatic of the flu. But if they persist for a long time or occur apart from other sickness they might be cause for concern.
- - Unexplained weight loss - Sudden and unexpected weight loss of 10% or more of total body weight could be a cause for concern. (I am on spirolactone for my acne and poly cystic ovary syndrome which causes weight loss. I have lost 20lbs in two years but I have noticed more weight being lost in the past couple of months)
- - Night sweats - These will usually occur in conjunction with a fever. (But I have no fever, however I have been sweating more in my sleep then usual. I wake up like I peed on myself and my legs are completely soaked)
- - Fatigue / Lack of energy - Again, this can be related to many things but in combination with other symptoms might be significant (Thought it was work related)
- - Lower back pain - Obviously, most back pain occurs for reasons apart from lymphoma. However, expanding lymph nodes may press on nerves and cause lower back pain. This type of pain should be considered in the presence of other symptoms. (This is how it all started)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Flash Before My Eyes
I never thought starting this blog I would have anything to write. I figured it would just be the occasional rant or just a diary entry of my week or day. However, these couple of days my life has changed drastically.
I was having back pain on an off for a month now. I just thought it was due to not having regular bowel movements from stress from my job. I went to the doctor the second week of Janunary and had extreme sidepains and back pains. My doctor checked me out and asked me to go for an X-Ray to rule out kidney stones. The pictures came back clean and I was told it was muscle spasms. I was given pain med and muscle relaxers which I took for a couple of days. I didn't go to the bathroom for a few days, but when I did I felt a lot better and didn't have pain again... until last week.
I couldn't sleep well for days and would get up in the middle of the night in pain. The only relief I would have was when I out a warm compress on my hip or back or take a hot shower. Once again I wansn't going to the bathroom regularly and thought I would be fine once I pass a large stool. Well I did on Monday, 2/14, Valentine's Day. It felt like I gave birth and my side was killing me. I had my boyfriend drive me to the train to go to work, but could't make it. I asked to be driven to the hospital and that is when my life flashed before my eyes.
They gave me IV fluids and I went to the bathroom and the pain was gone. I was given a CT scan to rule out kidney stones, so I was waiting for the results and figured I would go home since I was feeling better. Well, my resident came and told me they found swollen lymphnodes in my abdomin and some in my chest but it was not clear. I would have to take another CT scan and see what other findings they have. My blood test came back and I had a high White Blood Cell count (WBC) which was 24000. Normally it is 8000-10000. There were no kidney stones, but now there was a fluke.
CT showed large lymphnodes the size of ping pong balls in my chest and abdomin. They admitted me to the hospital in order to take a byopsy of the lymphnode to see what is going on. At this moment I will not know until Tuesday if I have lymphnoma or just a bad infection. Caner, I feel fine. No fever, no pain, no nothing. I can't have cancer it is impossible. I have an oncologist. Never in my life would I ever think I would have one.
So they did the biopsy on Tuesday, but they found a small piece of my spine missing on my L2. It looks like someone took a bite, which means it is wearing away. What the hell is that? Now another thing I will need to worry about.
I am home today and trying to clear my head and not think about anything until Tuesday. I will cross that bridge when it comes. Everywhere I turn though, I see CANCER. Commercials, people conversations, people I meet. They are all survivors, but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to put my loved one through this. It is not fair. The love of my life is a mess. He is not the same person he was four days ago. I want him to joke around, he seems lifeless. And it hurts me to see him this way. He really wasn't with me through this physically because of work and I know that kills him. I was only able to see him at night for a few hours. I just want things to go back they way they were. I wish this was a bad dream.
My parents are a mess. My friends are praying for me. All I think about is Bruno. My ex boyfriend who passed away from lung cancer at 32 years old. He did not smoke, but cancer ran in his family. It only took him 4 weeks from being admitted to the hospital to passing away. He had stage 4 and he didn't want to fight anymore. I flew out to Californina and stayed at his bed side for his last week of life. I was there at 9am until 10pm and held his hand. I only had 2 days to physically speak to him because he was in a medical coma until the last day of his life. He woke up to tell us he was ready to see his dad in heaven. The doctor gave him something to relax him a put him to sleep. He wanted no oxygen and I saw his body change all colors and watched him take his last breath. This is all I think about. I am happy I was with him, but I wish i didn't see all of that because that is what i am thinking about.
I am not ready to die. I am scared, petrified of death. I am 28 years old. I haven't had a family or the house of my dreams. I am not ready to leave everyone.
I am not a religious person at all, but OH GOD please let this just be a bad infection and nothing more. I can't see myself going though kemo and losing my hair. I hate this shit. I have such wave of emotions. One minute I am fine and the next I am crying. I am trying to stay strong for everyone around me but I exhausted... exhausted from crying, exhausted from being strong from everyone around me.
I will probably write on a regular now just to get things off my chest.
I was having back pain on an off for a month now. I just thought it was due to not having regular bowel movements from stress from my job. I went to the doctor the second week of Janunary and had extreme sidepains and back pains. My doctor checked me out and asked me to go for an X-Ray to rule out kidney stones. The pictures came back clean and I was told it was muscle spasms. I was given pain med and muscle relaxers which I took for a couple of days. I didn't go to the bathroom for a few days, but when I did I felt a lot better and didn't have pain again... until last week.
I couldn't sleep well for days and would get up in the middle of the night in pain. The only relief I would have was when I out a warm compress on my hip or back or take a hot shower. Once again I wansn't going to the bathroom regularly and thought I would be fine once I pass a large stool. Well I did on Monday, 2/14, Valentine's Day. It felt like I gave birth and my side was killing me. I had my boyfriend drive me to the train to go to work, but could't make it. I asked to be driven to the hospital and that is when my life flashed before my eyes.
They gave me IV fluids and I went to the bathroom and the pain was gone. I was given a CT scan to rule out kidney stones, so I was waiting for the results and figured I would go home since I was feeling better. Well, my resident came and told me they found swollen lymphnodes in my abdomin and some in my chest but it was not clear. I would have to take another CT scan and see what other findings they have. My blood test came back and I had a high White Blood Cell count (WBC) which was 24000. Normally it is 8000-10000. There were no kidney stones, but now there was a fluke.
CT showed large lymphnodes the size of ping pong balls in my chest and abdomin. They admitted me to the hospital in order to take a byopsy of the lymphnode to see what is going on. At this moment I will not know until Tuesday if I have lymphnoma or just a bad infection. Caner, I feel fine. No fever, no pain, no nothing. I can't have cancer it is impossible. I have an oncologist. Never in my life would I ever think I would have one.
So they did the biopsy on Tuesday, but they found a small piece of my spine missing on my L2. It looks like someone took a bite, which means it is wearing away. What the hell is that? Now another thing I will need to worry about.
I am home today and trying to clear my head and not think about anything until Tuesday. I will cross that bridge when it comes. Everywhere I turn though, I see CANCER. Commercials, people conversations, people I meet. They are all survivors, but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to put my loved one through this. It is not fair. The love of my life is a mess. He is not the same person he was four days ago. I want him to joke around, he seems lifeless. And it hurts me to see him this way. He really wasn't with me through this physically because of work and I know that kills him. I was only able to see him at night for a few hours. I just want things to go back they way they were. I wish this was a bad dream.
My parents are a mess. My friends are praying for me. All I think about is Bruno. My ex boyfriend who passed away from lung cancer at 32 years old. He did not smoke, but cancer ran in his family. It only took him 4 weeks from being admitted to the hospital to passing away. He had stage 4 and he didn't want to fight anymore. I flew out to Californina and stayed at his bed side for his last week of life. I was there at 9am until 10pm and held his hand. I only had 2 days to physically speak to him because he was in a medical coma until the last day of his life. He woke up to tell us he was ready to see his dad in heaven. The doctor gave him something to relax him a put him to sleep. He wanted no oxygen and I saw his body change all colors and watched him take his last breath. This is all I think about. I am happy I was with him, but I wish i didn't see all of that because that is what i am thinking about.
I am not ready to die. I am scared, petrified of death. I am 28 years old. I haven't had a family or the house of my dreams. I am not ready to leave everyone.
I am not a religious person at all, but OH GOD please let this just be a bad infection and nothing more. I can't see myself going though kemo and losing my hair. I hate this shit. I have such wave of emotions. One minute I am fine and the next I am crying. I am trying to stay strong for everyone around me but I exhausted... exhausted from crying, exhausted from being strong from everyone around me.
I will probably write on a regular now just to get things off my chest.
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