NEGU - Never Ever Give Up

I know I have not written in awhile.  I've been tired, rundown, sick and fat... yes depression hit and I have been trying to pick myself up from it.  This fight has been hard, more emotionally then physically.  I still can't believe that I have cancer... or hopefully HAD cancer.  This Friday is my last treatment.  Six long months and 12 sessions have gone by FINALLY.  From the agonizing pain I endured when the poison went threw my veins, to the stabbing of a sharp silver needle which has been jabbed into my left side of my chest.  This is in order to reach the port that was surgically implanted in September.  I just want this nightmare to end and put it behind me. 
I want my hair to grow back.  People think its just the hair on your head that you lose, but it is actually your eyebrows, eyelashes, arms, legs, and I know this is TMI but your va-jay-jay as well. (Yes girls I have not shaved down there for 5 months.  This actually amazed me.)  It freaks me out in the mirror to see these facial features gone, like I am in costume for Halloween.  Thank god for my wig, not only does it cover my head, but the bangs cover where my eyebrows would be so it is not noticeable. 

I just don't feel like a complete woman.  I don't feel sexy at all.  I am bald, 30lbs heavier... the biggest I have been in my whole life.  Who knows if I will even fit in my wedding dress.  Oh that's another thing which should be making me happy, but I am sad about as well.  What bride wants to wear a wig?What bride wants scars to show on her chest and arms?  You can airbrush them in pictures, but they are visible when you are face to face with your guest.  I know I have been saying they are my battle scars, but they are a reminder of this awful disease.  Something I will never want to experience again, but could possibly in the future.  I am hoping not, but in reality chemotherapy can lead to other types of cancers.  This is my biggest fear of them all.  I just keep asking myself why me?  But then I say to myself, I am alive and survived the year. 

After my last treatment I have to wait 4 long weeks to take another PET scan and see how much the cancer has shrunk or even if it is there at all.  After all is good and well, the port will be removed and I can go about my "normal" life.  I don't even know how to live normal after this escapade.  I am going to try because I have to remind myself that my cancer was 80% curable, where others are suffering and dying from theirs. 

I just watched the celebration service for Jessica Joy Rees. A courageous 12 year old who lost her fight with two inoperable brain tumors on January 5, 2012. During her 10 month fight, Jessica inspired tens of thousands of people to NEGU™ (Never Ever Give Up) in life no matter what.  On her 12th birthday it was the half way point of her 30 rounds of radiation therapy at Children’s Hospital Orange County. (30 rounds of chemo I cannot even imagine myself going through that, let alone a 12 year old child.)  It was also the day she shared with her mom and dad that she wanted to find a way to encourage every kid fighting cancer to “NEGU“, so she decided to make joy jars.

As I watched her celebration service on the Internet, I just sat there crying.  Why did a beautiful young child have to die from this monster?  Why was I living and her family has to suffer?  Who gets to pick and choose, God?  Well if there is a God then why did he create this disgusting disease?  It serves no purpose other than Death and Pain.  I then think to myself if Cancer is created by sin, is the darkness that we all create by our sin? Or is cancer to remind us of our mortality and our fallen state, neither of which were His intention for us.  This is why I don't believe in this person...being.  Yes I may be ridiculed right now by my friends and family who do believe in him, but I'm sorry I need answers and I am just not getting them.

2011 was the year from hell.  My 28th year on Earth was not liked I wished.  I did say in my first blog last year that I wanted something exciting to happen to me.  Well cancer was not what I intended.  I will make sure I will never ask for something exciting to happen to me again.